Please forgive me in advance for using you to blow some steam off. I am tired, no, no, no, I am beyond tired. I have officially found a state of being that the English language cannot name. I guess it goes with the territory of being a Mother to a five month baby and a three year old toddler. Yes, you can say I’m exhausted. Actually my condition is a term beyond exhaustion. At this point I am so tired that I am really not tired any more. I’ve made it full circle. See, not making any sense. Really happy to not be working or I’d run a company to the ground and with today’s economy they really don’t need my help.

See, rambling on, not sticking to the point because at this moment my eyelids are heavy and my mind is drifting away at the slightest distraction. Don’t really know how I’ll finish this blog off.  Again back to the topic. Perhaps you have already stopped reading.

More to the point of no sleep. It is not about not sleeping at all, hey I have a human baby, not like I have a giraffe that only sleeps two hours per night. I have a healthy, happy, giggling baby that drives me insane. Of course, I knew we wouldn’t be sleeping and I’d had to get up at night to breastfeed. I just didn’t know how this torture regime works. Babies do sleep, just not when you want them too or in a way that would allow you to rest as well. And to top it all they keep changing the routine schedule. Just when you can brag about nailing it, there it goes. When Tesa was born it was awful, awful, awful because I had successfully blocked that part of my life with Stela and it was happing all over again.  And she had trouble sleeping alone away from me or in her lovely crib. So, we practiced on that and after awhile we got a hang of it. She really slept great and I got to thinking hey that’s not bad. What’s the fuss all about.

And it hits you when you’re being too cocky. Suddenly all changed and to this day it keeps on changing and I am just trying to catch up. But she always manages to be one step in front of me. Yes we do sleep and some nights are just plain and simple amazing. I get five,six hours straight. Come on, would I, five years ago, call sleeping five hours straight amazing? On my best nights I could go for twelve and still be able to lay around just daydreaming. Now, I am ready to do cartwheels in the morning for much, much, much less.

Today’s night was out of the ordinary just like every night is. She manages to keep me well on my toes never knowing when she’ll strike. Sound familiar, like I don’t know a terrorist? Hm, well I do get your point. But I am not really saying it. And I’ll blame it all on the lack of sleep. The catch of it all, is not being prepared. Like I got used to waking up every few hours to check where her pacifier is. How much fun is that. Stela asleep up above on the bunk bed, Tesa frantically crying due to losing her pacifier at two in the morning and me bumping into everything as I try to navigate to the crib and look for it in the pitch black, barely able to open my eyes. So, I’ve at least learned to keep a stash of pacifiers near and then do the scavenger hunt in the morning. While on some nights all she wants to do is eat and by the end of the night, sorry for the image, but hey don’t read it, I need to get it all out, my breasts feel like raisins. On others she completely changes her mind and goes on these sleeping expeditions while I feel like bursting.

If I could just figure it out. Like why am I not sleeping now, when she is. I am here bitching while the kid is sleeping. Actually in her bed asleep, not like she was yesterday in her stroller and I had to keep moving. Because as soon as the wheels on the stroller stop she wakes up. No, I managed to get her to sleep in her bed but I am still here typing. Guess I’d like to do something else with my days but trying to fall asleep. Yeah, I’d like my cake and eat it too.  Hm, cake, now that definitely gets me going when there’s no sleep. It is the one thing that keeps me sedated and not going completely insane. Well, and this blog too. Thanks for lending your ear. I am off to sleep :).