I thought motherhood included three tasks: keeping the child alive hence feeding it, keeping it clean – pretty obvious and making sure she knows she is loved. Simple. But as soon as I became a Mom, I’ve learned the hard way that the list is way longer, the expectations higher and not only is there no paycheck, at the end of the day I pay them. Apparently just for the privilege itself.
I still don’t perceive motherhood as a job. How could it be, when it never ends? But a recent study by Interflora neatly sums up how much Moms should earn, if there was someone to pay them. It looks like I am being owed around 250,000 pounds for five years of hard work. If I were to need a few days of vacation, like on Mother’s day and had to hire someone to take my place, who do you think would apply for this great job opportunity?
We are hiring: a Mom
Salary: sloppy kisses, occasional »I love you too.« and warm hugs.
Job Function: what ever you want it to be, but literally everything.
Experience: nothing can really prepare you for this, so none required.
Desired skills: let’s borrow some from the business world: like excellent project management skills, ability to multi-task and work in a fast-paced environment are a must, strong attention to detail, ability to work in a complex culture, serving disparate needs would be ideal, sense of urgency and high energy level is essential.
Job description:
We are looking to fill a position of a Mom for one day. We are a young family established in 2006. We have successfully expanded our operations in 2009 and 2012. We are looking for an upbeat individual to deal with the excess of pink, purses and crowns.
The job requires familiarizing yourself with Frozen on an hourly basis, using excellent persuasive or just deceiving methods to make the kids eat fruits and veggies, medical expertise to kiss every bruise, bump and scrape away. You will need to be creative enough with getting the kids to day care on time and have a positive approach to the bedtime routine. In between you will be required to efficiently manage the administration of the house (aka cleaning, cooking) and the supply chain (aka shopping).
The position is to support and directly report to Dad but only the vital information, remember the less is more approach.
Top Accountabilities: to summarize
- Exciting opportunity to be in charge of and blamed for everything.
- Work on 5 hours a sleep and be ready to resume duties in the middle of the night.
- Strong attention to cooking and cleaning, ideally multi-tasking with other chores.
- Efficient use of Google search engine to solve all arising issues, such as an unusual rash or finding a suitable answer for a five year old on how babies are made.
- Responsible for joggling four different schedules (yes, I know I only said two kids) and not missing any appointments or events.
- Collaborating with other Moms on the playground – so you are on top of everything and you can be relieved to know you are not alone.
- Managing the resolution of fights and arguments so no side is left offended and they can rest assured that both are equally pretty.
- Coordinating between watching Frozen and Despicable Me.
- And everything else I have forgotten or maybe just plain refused to write, to make the position more glamorous.
