My dearest girls,
both of you are finally sound asleep. Even though Stela you might be faking it. I am not quite sure, if that was the last from you yet. Anyway looks like I have a few precious moments for myself. Oddly enough I am sitting at the computer instead of being sprayed over the couch, where I could be enjoying a good book. I am in the mood to write down my thoughts and due to the lack of a journal, which I attempted to write about a dozen of times, this might be the best venue. I have great hopes that in time the two of you will learn to read and understand English enough to get through my ramblings. If you will ever choose to.
I got to spend another terrific day with just the two of you. When being faced with the fact I’ll be on my own with you, I always get a bit scared. In my mind I am contemplating escape routes, well I actually do that pretty often. Not because I don’t love you. Don’t get me wrong. You are by far my greatest achievements. It’s just I find it overwhelming at times. Being a Mother. I don’t have all the answers. I am looking at you, Stela. In half of the situations I face, I am wishing for my Mother to swoop in and fix it. And here I am, your hero. What you don’t know is, that I am putting on my brave face on and trying to keep it together, to never fail in your eyes.
It’s a unberable responsibility your Daddy and I were given when we welcomed you into this world. I wasn’t even into having kids, I’m just not good around any of them, but you. I went from thinking this is no place to have kids in, to having both of you in the pinnacle of the economic crisis. Because we wanted you so much, nothing mattered. Sometimes I find myself wondering where do I end and you begin and I worry beyond what I can describe with words, how your lives will turn out. Is it presumptuous of me to think it is up to the two adults to direct you in certain ways, to inspire you to do what we were never good at but desperately tried to be. I want you to be more than a better version of me, of your Dad, to be yourselves. How do I let you find that? I am constantly scared I am missing something but I guess I am over thinking it.You will see that I tend to do that a lot.
Mother of two girls. That just brings a smile to my face. I was such a tomboy growing up, never really any good with the girly stuff, never had a bunch of girlfriends and always got along better with guys. When I was told I might be expecting a girl being pregnant with you Stela,I was in shock. How do you raise a girl,what do you do with them, yikes. Well, God really has a sense of humor as I am now Mother to the two of you. And am loving it. Well, of course I will not write I hate it. But truly, I don’t know about other girls or buys, but I was meant to be your Mummy. The two of you complete me. There is this sense of serenity when I can be peaceful with you. Those moments are just a few and far between.
What I am so clumsily trying to write is, that despite it all, the fear, the responsibility, the worry, I love spending my time with you. I am very lucky the four of us are a family. But I just get a kick when the three of us girls do it on our own. Today, we enjoyed coffee and cake, read books in the library, Stela, you and me ran through the piles of leaves on the floor and Tesa made the three of us laugh by attempting to fit the cooking mitten on her head.
Thank you for spending such a wonderful day with me…